Why I go Giving up hope on ever having things align the way we'd like them to, is the most logical thing as person can do for themselves. But follow logic, and you'll find yourself nose deep in an ocean with no one no where around. So what, things aren't going to end up fairy tale like? Doesn't mean I can't dream. And that's what's going to save me from the this existence which some deem a fluke, while others see it as Plan A. Whatever it is, it's got me down... so I go up.  ¶ 12:13 AM 0 Comments

  It's crazy because I've totally shut down all the processes which I partake of in order to get a moment of peace. But even then, the background noise was louder than heard of cattle running over shiny trash can lids. I've been searching for that moment where I can sit back and not care about anything. When that moment comes, trust me, I'll be smiling big and proud for the rest of the days I have on this earth.  ¶ 10:54 PM 0 Comments

  The more I have to pretend to be nice around you, the more I probably hate you.  ¶ 12:29 PM 0 Comments

  We're all just chasing a high we're never going to get,
well at least not in this lifetime
so proposing a change in direction wouldn't be such a bad thing
but then we've been on the road so long
that turning back would prove useless as well.
by the time the sun is down, we're not even
a millionth of the way there.
nONE of us remember what the place looked like,
we just remember the comfort of it, calling us back
from this cruel cold world,
so now we run into the channel and cross
to the other side, yet redemption is still not found.  ¶ 12:55 AM 0 Comments

  It all stopped being fun the moment I couldn't catch that bastard. Always ten paces in front of me, no matter how fast I'm sprinting, I can't catchup anymore. And I don't for the life of me understand why he's running so fast. Did I do something? I want nothing more than to sit down and have a civilized encounter. But he doesn't know that, and I whenever I tell him to slow down and talk, he's gone in a heart beat.  ¶ 1:00 AM 0 Comments

  The addiction is insane, it can literally pull you out of the best moment of your life with no real reason. It stops you from thinking straight or sometimes from even thinking at all. It's more than compulsive, it's controlling. It ruins everything, and learning to rebuild on new foundations is unfathomable at most points. Crumbling cliffs falling into the basin; everything that was once there, is now just rubble.  ¶ 11:17 AM 0 Comments

  If it weren't for the fact that Adult Swim starts at 7pm on dorm cable, I'd probably be sitting in a prison cell somewhere.  ¶ 7:12 PM 0 Comments

  Oh what a day. The town was gone today in every way shape and form. Even the conservatives were getting high today. The police weren't breaking out their ticket books and the sun was out strong. Clouds forming over the glade, flowing in the wind all across town, even into the nostrils of the smart Asian whose been studying in his room for the past 12 hours straight, prompting him to rethink his strategy. Now if everyday was like today, it would be such a peaceful world.  ¶ 12:24 AM 0 Comments

  It's 420 tomorrow and I can't get high. Whatever will I do? It's the one day out of the year designated to check out out of reality and enter the realm where imagination and adventure collide. But then again, I've designated quite a few of my days towards this besides April 20th. And quite a few days means pretty much all of them. It's the one day where I can feel completely justified in getting high, but that's really at the cost of 364 other unjustified trips. Fuck 420,  ¶ 11:21 PM 0 Comments

  Walk I went for a walk today. Now why in the world would I do that? Well normally I take walks to go somewhere or see someone, but I didn't have any of those to look forward to on my walk. I went for a walk because of the off chance I might encounter something whether it be a an defenseless old lady being mugged, a truck giving out free energy drinks, or even a piece of roadkill. There's so many things that happen in the this town that I am unaware of and there is opportunity to encounter these things throughout the course of a half hour walk. Today, I didn't actually get to see anything cool, except some abandoned homes and buildings, but its broad daylight and exploring such places requires the cover of the night. I guess the only real way to increase my chances of encountering something is to go out and walk more often.  ¶ 4:43 PM 0 Comments

  The new attitude I will be thinking positively now. I'm done with all that negativity. I thought it would get me somewhere significant, but no, the most my negativity has brought me was a few good trips and a whole bunch of horrible come downs. I honestly held it in my mind that anger was the source of all creativity and revolutionary thinking, but it's not. All the people that used anger and hate as their fuel may have their names remembered for a while, but they died miserable deaths. Their character which might of been left behind in the form of literature or video is now pitied. I don't want to turn out that way.

Tomorrow is where I have to start though. If I don't start tomorrow, then I never will. Positivity: looking at the best in people, situations, and my environment. If I can do this, I am convinced good things will come about. Why? Because I've tried the other way. And one of these paths has to be going somewhere good right?  ¶ 12:17 AM 0 Comments

  Thanks Cal This was one of the strangest weeks I have ever had. My mental stability has been all over the place to be honest. I thought I liked strange things, but this was actually too much. But it's like once you get a taste, its all you ever think about. You have already started to build a culture in your head that revolves around the strange and weird but are in actuality nothing more than sick, perverse, and destructive fantasies which will never impact the world without making it cry. I chose to do what I did, and looking back I chose a lot to reject any of the alternatives placed in front of me. But I did try them once. And life was actually good. I acknowledge that that time exists only to tell you all, that I know what I am doing, and I know nothing good will come of it, and I know that I don't know anything else. And even if I did, I doubt I even have the confidence to practice these ideas and grow into society. Hell for the past year all I have been thinking about is breaking apart this society and telling them that they're doing it wrong. But I know in the last remaining bit of sanity in my head, that I am wrong. And that is the thought that haunts me from when I wake up until I run back to sleep. It's my dreams that assure me and push me forward into the obscurity, spinning me around in worlds filled with lights and technicolor trumpets blasting to the beat of my steps everywhere I go. But eventually, I get that feeling you get when you sleep for over 18 hours of your day, the feeling that makes me think, "if I don't get up right now, I am the most pathetic piece of shit to ever walk the face of this earth." I have never been able to admit to that one, so I sit up, swing my legs onto the ladder, and climb on down into a world that would only ever look at me if I was doing something insane, like setting the White House on fire with a cigarette lighter out of the 4Runner which I illegally park over some pedestrian. But the balls to do such a thing doesn't come without it's price and I haven't quite amassed enough funds yet to pay for such vigor and bravery. So instead I sit back and throw down two lo-carb energy drinks a day with over 600mg of caffeine. But that only gets me normal, or the closest I can possibly seem to the people around me and if I over do it, I got my cigarettes to calm me down slowly. I still have class tomorrow. There's another reason . 25 grand payed to the the educators who are going to have me anally raped by my fellow peers who only do it because it's how you get ahead. Well might as well right? I don't want the money to go all to waste now. In three weeks this will all be over and I will then be able to unzip myself from the layers of soot that have accumulated all around me, and walk freely again. All because of a new hope which will arise completely out of my removal from this festering town of moral citizens who act like bad asses, and bad asses who act like moral citizens.

I really hate this place.  ¶ 7:09 PM 0 Comments

  So I'm supposed to do what I love, and say fuck the rest. Do what I love, and do whatever if takes to get there. Because I only have one life to do that. And what I love is.. love. It's the only feeling that has ever pulled me out of my insanity and the only feeling that has ever made me grateful to be walking the face of this earth. Yet I haven't encountered love for sometime now. I can almost remember the last time love visited me, but I don't remember why it left. We used to have such a great time, accomplishing things that were beyond my reason and ideas. It hurts not to have love but it hurts even more to search for it only to be let down. And just like that I think I gave up. But they say that love hasn't given up on me yet. I hope love hasn't given up on me yet, because if it hasn't then I'll be happy to say fuck the rest.  ¶ 11:14 PM 0 Comments

  I'm neck deep in the bubbling tar,
about to be preserved as an artifact
for the future generations to see.
They will ask, "how did he get there?"
And they will be told that the
whole thing was an accident,
and the most playful stupor will
cause their faces to contract into
confused form
because
the world in which I will be
excavated into,
will already have a pill in circulation
that ensures accidents like mine never happen
The smart ones will come up with some
published work about me, never knowing
that my journey into these tar pits
was by no means an accident
but a choice of liberation  ¶ 1:46 PM 0 Comments

  I've been feeling really strange lately, like a mixture of nauseousness and discontent. I'm missing something and I really don't know where to start looking or what I'm looking for.  ¶ 11:40 PM 0 Comments

  Getting a glimpse Getting through the week here is unbearable! It's like being tied to a car and dragged for five days straight on some old hard road. But then the weekend comes with the promise of excitement and love, but that almost never comes to fruition. Then Sunday rolls along and back goes my leash around the hitch of this truck called life. On a brighter note, today in Chemical Engineering seminar, my professor gave us a glimpse into the world of Nosocomial Infections and antimicrobial technology which I was completely fascinated by, which hasn't happened much lately. It's insane to think how many lives could be significantly bettered by this technology especially in the developing world. The best part is that the results that could arise from this technology are completely tangible. I would like nothing more than to be part of something like that. I'm really happy I went to that class today.  ¶ 10:04 PM 0 Comments

  ! If you're not angry, then you're living a fucking lie.  ¶ 7:41 PM 0 Comments

  It's crazy, I'm at wits end with it all and I seriously just want to give up and go. But the thought of overcoming all of this insanity is just too beautiful. I fantasize about standing here a year from now just joyous and content with life, and thinking back to days like today where nothing seems right, just awe stricken with how far I've come. I want to beat this thing, and when I do, it will be like the sun being re-lit. But for today, today I don't know where to go without having to hide. Only in the comforts of my mind do I find serenity, the kind I cannot share.  ¶ 7:42 PM 0 Comments

  Poetry? What the fuck is that? I think poetry is completely stupid unless it has to do with something god awfully horrendous, like pain. The pain of love. If your poetry isn't about pain, then go fuck yourself.  ¶ 4:11 AM 0 Comments