Mud It's impossible to wait for anything if you don't have faith that it will come. If I don't believe that things will eventually be alright, then I won't wait for it. I'll manufacture my own defective kind of happiness. I have thousands of reasons to believe that this won't work and that I'm just putting myself through this for the sake of absurdity. Absurdity in that I know that this won't work, but I'll do it any way. It's a killer way to think, seeing every opportunity in the world as nothing more than a bigger booby trap. True I'm lying face down in the mud right now, but it's better than burning. And occasionally I look up, wipe the mud off my face, and notice the people around me, running through the jungle without setting off a single trap. Ignorance is bliss, not knowing where the trouble lies. But I know where the trouble is, and I'm drawn to it and it's inescapable magnetism, so I'm gonna put my face down again.  ¶ 7:46 PM 0 Comments

  that its just not my time,

nothing going right nor wrong, just stuck in the middle, give it a jiggle, not today.

And that if worse really does come to worse, I don't think it'll matter anymore, and then I can be free, but wait its hailing out there. Feeling that its not absurd, that I just choose to look at it that way, but that I can't take back what I've scene, make all the nightmares run off to pester some other guy, my fellow man, fuck him.

And I've been feeling that my fellow man ain't really there to help, but to drain, and I've been feeling empty, so whats my use? Maybe they can all drain the contents of my wallet out, but that's it, no more after that. They could pillage my room I guess; you have no idea, how happy that would make me.

Feeling that it's all worth it, because in the end, I get to rest, but I'm not patient enough to wait, so in the mean time I'll occupy my mind with hate. Not the bad kind really, just that kind that generally pisses people off. "Oh where are my manners?" will soon be the phrase I utter after every action I make in front of my fellow people, and after every word and strand of words I put together addressed at anyone but me.

I also think that I need to save time for myself, to indulge in escapes to places where no one can find me, but accessible enough to where I can come and go as I please. Maybe I'll retire in that somewhere, but that's forever away. Maybe that will be my time, retirement. Until then, whoever's time this is, eat shit and die.  ¶ 9:26 PM 0 Comments

  Back in berkeley. Back to the same o'l same o'l and it's already driving me up the wall! Thank God for ATHF though, without them, I'd probably just sleep all day.  ¶ 9:13 PM 0 Comments

  What's gone is right over there Realizing that imagination is whats been lacking this entire time brought me straight into an unnatural kind of focus. Getting glimpse into another one, staring it down for all that it was worth and still not finding an end; jealousy, emptiness finally making sense after so long. Immediately tracking back to the instant I went wrong and trying to recapture that somehow, change it, but the instant is gone. It's a matter of what to do now that spring is here, now that I'm here.
I'll pop in some movie and have it re-hardwire the way I see things.....
I'll stand in front of an approaching train and jump to the side at the last second and find a new lease on life.....
I'll climb to the top of the building and convince myself I can fly and walk down the fire escape reasoning that it was too windy, never proving myself wrong
Or
I will sit here and there, and listen and make.  ¶ 11:05 PM 0 Comments

  Watching porn all day, getting high (fucked up), and stealing candy from a baby are the most selfish things I can think of. Do any of these things for long enough, and you will be severed from sanity and consumed with anxiety.

Just thought I'd share  ¶ 1:04 PM 0 Comments

  Values are easy to adopt and even easier to neglect. What's held as important strangely can always wait when the illusion of fun his hiding around the corner. The desire to live nobly can never escape the shadow of the impulse to gain the approval of the world. Never has it been this bare, visions with the ground falling away in every direction for miles and miles leaving nothing but a black and infinite back drop, with only one pillar of solid ground standing ahead of me, glowing blue from a light coming from nowhere. It is there we must stand and hold fast because when the ground crumbles underneath, it will take your breath away and never give it back.  ¶ 12:20 AM 0 Comments

  concerns I'm obsessed with conversations within
everyone's head around me, stranger or
friend. What brings them to laugh and continue
to prance as if everyone is watching,
I'm obsessed with the end destination,
for where is center stage on a blue sphere?
asking for directions from those who claim
to have been, have never yielded results
I'm obsessed with the gradual decay
because a time will most certainly come
when the meter reads empty, engine stops
and no one is even halfway there yet.  ¶ 3:02 PM 0 Comments

  Humility has never been a strong point for me, but I wouldn't quite consider myself a narcissist, only because of the fact that I consider my opinions and takes on life just as stupid and pathetic as everyone's.  ¶ 11:53 PM 0 Comments

  Now I want to leave this place more than anything right now. I want to resign from this competition that I didn't even want to win in the first place. Hot-headed-know-it-all-attention-whore-fucks all around me you see. The kind that like to vomit up some fucking fascinating bit of information every time they open their mouths. The kind that don't need manners or ears because they are the future bourgeoisie. And perhaps the most frustrating, they are the kind that only say hello to the people that they know for a fact will get them something. A one-up. The well rounded type if you will. But do you know what's wrong with with the well rounded people? They all are the same. Give me some oblong, natural rock formation type of people.  ¶ 11:37 PM 0 Comments