Thanks Cal This was one of the strangest weeks I have ever had. My mental stability has been all over the place to be honest. I thought I liked strange things, but this was actually too much. But it's like once you get a taste, its all you ever think about. You have already started to build a culture in your head that revolves around the strange and weird but are in actuality nothing more than sick, perverse, and destructive fantasies which will never impact the world without making it cry. I chose to do what I did, and looking back I chose a lot to reject any of the alternatives placed in front of me. But I did try them once. And life was actually good. I acknowledge that that time exists only to tell you all, that I know what I am doing, and I know nothing good will come of it, and I know that I don't know anything else. And even if I did, I doubt I even have the confidence to practice these ideas and grow into society. Hell for the past year all I have been thinking about is breaking apart this society and telling them that they're doing it wrong. But I know in the last remaining bit of sanity in my head, that I am wrong. And that is the thought that haunts me from when I wake up until I run back to sleep. It's my dreams that assure me and push me forward into the obscurity, spinning me around in worlds filled with lights and technicolor trumpets blasting to the beat of my steps everywhere I go. But eventually, I get that feeling you get when you sleep for over 18 hours of your day, the feeling that makes me think, "if I don't get up right now, I am the most pathetic piece of shit to ever walk the face of this earth." I have never been able to admit to that one, so I sit up, swing my legs onto the ladder, and climb on down into a world that would only ever look at me if I was doing something insane, like setting the White House on fire with a cigarette lighter out of the 4Runner which I illegally park over some pedestrian. But the balls to do such a thing doesn't come without it's price and I haven't quite amassed enough funds yet to pay for such vigor and bravery. So instead I sit back and throw down two lo-carb energy drinks a day with over 600mg of caffeine. But that only gets me normal, or the closest I can possibly seem to the people around me and if I over do it, I got my cigarettes to calm me down slowly. I still have class tomorrow. There's another reason . 25 grand payed to the the educators who are going to have me anally raped by my fellow peers who only do it because it's how you get ahead. Well might as well right? I don't want the money to go all to waste now. In three weeks this will all be over and I will then be able to unzip myself from the layers of soot that have accumulated all around me, and walk freely again. All because of a new hope which will arise completely out of my removal from this festering town of moral citizens who act like bad asses, and bad asses who act like moral citizens.

I really hate this place.  ¶ 7:09 PM